My abusive mom spread my number to a friend of hers to bully and
harass me. These messages are nothing compared to the psychological, physical,
financial and sexual abuse, discrimination and gender roles I lived under for
19 years with my parents. They couldn't break my confidence then, and they
can't now.
In my childhood, they left bruises on my face, then instructed me
to lie and claim they were mosquito bites, and they are still trying to silence
me by instilling shame in me, but the shame is all theirs.
Crazy-making, denial, burdening me with gratitude for being fucking
born ... I can still recall pictures of myself being hit by my mom to sit still
and study, instead of being nurtured to grow into the wonderful person I am,
but I'm becoming more and more like who I always was despite of all their
attempts to change me. I'm proud of myself, college degree or not, and of all
the meaningless to them things I accomplished, and I've just begun.
My "garbage" life is my own, my mind is my own, my body,
not a separate entity from me, is my own, and they can't take my
"dirty" freedom away. I will never be guilted into sacrificing my
being and the rest of my life to satiate their selfishness and the oppressive
hierarchical system they are agents of.
I used to love my mom a love she never deserved, to plot to save us
both, when she, as an adult, had more resources, but lacked the strength and
responsibility I had.
I endangered my mental health by going to Spain to visit her filled
with fantasies of her finally treating me like an independent human being. How
difficult can it be to respect boundaries, such as, not to slut shame one's daughter
over her clothes, or to hold her somewhere against her will? How difficult can
it be to support her if she ends up in an abusive relationship, instead of
normalizing men's abuse and trying to use her situation to gain control over
her?
After my father's death (I wish hell was real, so he could burn for
all eternity), and her father's death before she married my father, she's
looking for someone to depend on, and after she failed to teach me femininity,
I'm the next best thing to the men taking advantage of her learned helplessness
and passivity, but I don't love her anymore, so what is she gonna do? Break
into my apartment? Hurt the ones I care about? Add to the burdening proof that
for her, I'm an object to be destroyed if impossible to control? At this point,
if she really ever loved me, she would let me go and wish the best for me.
I found love like a rare gem among fellow rebels, because only the
free are capable of love, and if I couldn't find it, I trust myself to have the
strength to walk alone and in the front. Least and last, fuck you and your
likes, and fuck abuse!
